I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
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You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Guilty! 🤪
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling