Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
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My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.