i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
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women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Eat…
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.