Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
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[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.