Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
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Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD