I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
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You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
this is 10/10 content no notes
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”