‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
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Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”