Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
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Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.