My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
You Might Also Like
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
And bowling should be called pinball
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.