You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
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Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
12. I think about this all the damn time
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.