I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
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I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
[montage of me giving-up]
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”