All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
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The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
dude it’s called proctologist
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
this independent good boy don’t need no human
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
These work great until they don’t.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK