Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
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Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity