New mindset, who dis?
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Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please