DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
You Might Also Like
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
I wish I could veto my bills.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal