It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
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I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month