[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
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edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
This made me chuckle cuz mood
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???