If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
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*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Netflix and awkward silence?
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
and now we wait