He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
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I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
The glory of fall.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.