Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
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I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.