If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
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If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
I found your tweet-up…
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.