Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
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Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Netflix and scream at our children?!
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.