Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
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Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.