I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
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[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID