Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
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“What movie?” 🤔
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
The funk soul brother
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Cats (2019)
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u