[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
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A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Sunday
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole