Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
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“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Lucky old June.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!