I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
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I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Sell your car
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Best table by far
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?