My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
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Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Who’s your best friend?
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets