the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
You Might Also Like
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
seems fine
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.