Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
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I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
This was my dad’s browser history.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*