Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
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When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.