“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
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“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life