Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
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While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
shut up and take my money
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
philosophical skeletons be like
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.