The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
You Might Also Like
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work