I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
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We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
And that about sums it up.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.