I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
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Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Stick it to the man
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Growing up was a huge mistake