It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
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Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Breaking news:
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.