If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
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I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.