I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
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Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler