It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
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I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
pictures of spider-man
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
*looks at you in batman voice*
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.