I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
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Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
huge if true: the moon
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Don’t we all.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
What the hell happened in there??