I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
You Might Also Like
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill