[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
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My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*