yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
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if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
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Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
i’m sure it’s fine
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.