[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
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I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.