CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
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[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.