If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
You Might Also Like
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
How animals would run if they were human
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Money is the root of all wealth
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters