I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
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Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work