ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
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Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.